The other anniversary

Today marks 4 years since our wedding.  I heard from Mark yesterday, he was in Alaska.  I have no idea where he is now, but I hope he notices the date and smiles on account of us and everything we have overcome and been through together.

I'm loving and missing him.

Wishing I were celebrating

Today is the 8th anniversary of the day Mark and I officially became a couple.  And I did really well, emotionally, all day.  Till now.  It's the evening, the time where on an ordinary day Mark would be sitting on the couch in half of his uniform, watching TV and snuggling with the kids while I cooked dinner.

A little over an hour ago, Amaris saw through our sliding glass door that someone was coming to the building in cammies and she said, "LOOK, Mommy, my DADDY!"

It broke my heart.  Like, into a billion pieces.

Pair that with the fact that I was supposed to get a phone call this afternoon from him, during which I had planned to tell him "Happy anniversary!"...  but he didn't call.  I'm sure he has some great excuse, but for the moment I am just so disappointed that I didn't get to talk to him like he said I would.

All day I did so well.  I took a shower, I got myself dressed (mostly), I was productive!  And then before I knew it, I was crying again.  I'm ready for a fast-forward button.

Touch and go

Off and on today I've been crying just like yesterday. It's funny, I mean, Mark JUST got back from North Carolina a couple of weeks ago. He was there for about 2 1/2 weeks. I really thought for sure that I'd handle this better than I am. But it's weird how it already feels different. It feels significantly less temporary than the trip to Camp LeJeune. I mean, certainly it's nothing permanent this time around either, but it's absolutely longer. Technically, it could potentially be like his trip to North Carolina times 16 or something.  I don't know.

I made myself a "count up" ticker. Count down tickers are bad OPSEC and I don't have a clue when he'll be home anyways. So a count-up ticker at least gives me something to do. I can celebrate my own progress.
Wow, a whole one day.  Go me.  But whatever.  Progress is progress.  Seems like just the other day I was pregnant and now I've got a nearly-three-month-old.  Time flies, I know it does.  I just need to try to have fun.  Which, when you feel this miserable, is much easier said than done.

Okay, I'm not going to lie.  I'm still a total basketcase.

Alone.

I sent Mark off on his deployment this evening.  That means I'm facing 6-10 months of heartache and loneliness.  Have I mentioned before that I hate being alone?

I do.  I hate being alone.  In fact, I think I'm terrified of being alone.  I don't mean I'm one of those women who depends heavily simply on "having a man".  I just mean that since I've got one, I don't want to be without him.  He is my companion.  One of those cheesy Myspace surveys asked if my significant other was my "everything".  My answer was that it's not possible for any one person to be my whole everything, but he's certainly a huge part of it.  I always think of "When Harry Met Sally" - the line at the end where Billy Crystal says "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  I apply that movie quote to pretty much everything in my relationship.  I feel like it means that you want to be with that person as much as you can.  Uninterrupted would be preferable.  With the Marine Corps in the middle, that's obviously a little less possible.  But I can still dream.

I was all big talk that I could handle this deployment, but now that it comes down to it, I'm a big baby.  I'm scared, I'm stressed, I'm anxiety-ridden to say the least.  I got the girls home and immediately Cadence, my easygoing, calm, peaceful baby burst into screams and tears.  She did that for about 20 minutes.  I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?"  I've spent the day sobbing - my face is red and puffy to serve as the proof.

It's real now.  He's far away.  I hate it.  I know I'll start feeling better soon and I'll make it through it, but for now I'm miserable and sad.

Pretend Birthdays

Today we pretended it was Amaris' birthday so that daddy could give her a present and have an opportunity to watch her enjoy it.  She thought that was a great idea - what kid would turn down two birthdays in one year?  He broke the news to her yesterday that he would be leaving soon and that he wouldn't be back for a while.  She appeared concerned and then eeked out an "okay" when he asked her to be a good girl for mommy.

For her pretend birthday, she got a big girl bike with streamers and training wheels and she actually managed to ride it correctly for the most part.  Good thing we made her pretend birthday today because the rain is coming again and there's no telling how long it'll stay around this time.

Pretend special occasions are good.  Bittersweet, but good.

Elevator Loo

Somebody thinks it is funny to piss in the elevator.  So that at least once a week for a couple of days, it reeks of urine.

Add that disgusting little tidbit to the mold, the roach problem, the stench, Mark's 30-minute+ one-way commute and the awkward proximity to all of the neighbors (even the ones I'm not crazy about) and I'm pretty much ready to move out now.

Then there's the fact that we found out airline tickets really only run about $700 per head round trip to visit here.  So I'm anticipating that we'll have visitors.  Before, when I was thinking we'd be visitor-free, I figured to myself that at least nobody had to see how I was living here in this dump.  But now, if people are going to come and stay with us, I suddenly feel compelled to have a presentable and non-depressing home.

Unfortunately, moving for me isn't going to happen until Mark is back from his deployment.  And his homecoming is not going to happen till he goes away.  Not that I want him gone by any means, but if he's gotta go I've worked myself into the (eerily familiar) state of mind at this point that the sooner he leaves the sooner he can be home.  Fortunately for that emotion, his departure IS coming soon.

I'm ready to tackle my problems.  I'm ready to preoccupy, I'm ready to conquer, I'm ready to make things happen.  I'd rather he were staying behind with me, but since he's not, I'm making my plan.

And looming near the top of that plan is the big move-out.

¥8,804 Later...


I don't know who is more excited, her or me.  Okay, that's a lie.  I am pretty much certain that I am WAY more excited than she is.

Amaris' Next Adventure

With Mark's deployment quickly approaching and Amaris' daily boredom growing by the minute (there is just not enough to keep her busy here at home), I figured it was time to act.

Yesterday I enrolled her in a Japanese Catholic preschool.  She starts in early May.  She loved it there and was so excited.  I know we're making a great decision for her future.  The curriculum is Montessori based and the school itself comes with rave reviews.

So I got the school supplies list and ordered her school uniforms.  Yes - school uniforms.  The uniform for the warm weather ahead consists of a short sleeved white button down shirt and a little navy blue skirt with suspenders.  There's a PE uniform, too.  Orange shorts, a white with orange ringer t-shirt and a cap.

Today we are supposed to go shopping for the other school supplies.  I've been dying to take her school shopping since she was born, poor kid.  I love the smell of freshly sharpened pencils in the morning.

Anything for a distraction, I suppose.

What is it

I've been really struggling to find the words lately.  My heart is full, my head is heavy.  Scratch that.  Reverse it.  My head is full and my heart is heavy.  Really, I suppose both are true.

We are quickly approaching our anniversary - this year we are celebrating 8 years of being a couple, and 4 years of marriage.  We're celebrating our two beautiful little girls, our ups, our downs...  Our adventure.  We're celebrating so much together.  When I think about the past 8 years and all of the joys and heartaches they've contained, at the risk of being cliche, my cup runneth over.

When I look across the room and see my husband, my heart still flutters a bit.  There is always something new, something exciting.  A plan.  A little spontaneity.  There's familiarity.  The comfort of each other's arms.  Habits, quirks, silliness.  And there's so much more.  Our little girls, for one.  We have been so blessed to have these amazing little people become a part of our lives life.

There's so much potential in every little happening.  I feel like even at 8 years together, we are still just at the beginning.  And I can't wait to see what all happens next.

We are also approaching hard times.  Mark will be deploying soon to Afghanistan.  I'm not to say when he's leaving, of course, but he is leaving.  Sooner than I'd like.  In his 6-12 months away, he'll miss a lot of time with the girls.  A lot of time with me.  It's a part of the job, I get that.  But it still makes me sad and anxious to consider the time he'll spend away.  The time I'll spend alone, raising our children in a foreign country.

I know that when he goes, I'll struggle a bit and then find my groove and have a system.  Last night as I was tucking Amaris in to bed, he was at the gym.  Cadence was in her crib.  Amaris begged for a story, so I started one.  And just as it began, Cadence got fussy.  So I set the book down and went to get her.  I laid her little swaddled body next to Amaris in bed, and Amaris was thrilled.  She immediately put her arms around her little sister and cuddled her close.  We read three stories last night that way.  With Amaris picking up her head periodically to look at Cadence's face and kiss her cheek.  Cadence fell asleep there.  Amaris didn't want me to take her away.  It was truly the sweetest moment I've had with the girls so far.  And I thought to myself, "This'll be tradition.  We'll do this every night."

So little about this life is simple.  So few things are easy or obvious or common.  It's lucky that we have so much love under one roof.  Even if there's bickering, yelling, whatever going on from time to time.  Even if it's not blatantly apparent to "everyone else".  We are so fortunate.  We are so blessed.

Amarisms

During a nap, I threw away the remnants of Amaris' pizza lunch.  Upon waking, she went to the table, saw her empty plate and said, "Oh no!  My food's gone!  I'm hungry!"

I laughed and told her nobody likes old pizza.  And then I said, "What would you like instead?"
"Cucumbers!"
"Cucumbers?  Really?"
"Yee-ah!"  (She always sounds like Flava-Flave when she says "yeah".)
"Okay, I'm not going to argue."

So I cut her up a cucumber and put it on her plate.  She sat down with it excitedly.  Two bites later she says, "Mommy, I no want any more."

I said, "You can't waste it!  What if I show you a cool trick, will you try to eat some more then?"
"Yee-ah!"

I grabbed the bottle of Ranch dressing out of the fridge while she watched and then she said, "Mommy, what's that?"
"Magic," I said.
"No it's not, it's dip!"

Smart ass.

Whatever though, she's eating her cucumber now without complaint.  Every bite doused in magic.  I mean, dip.

Hair

Today I went to a local hair salon.  And now I have no desire to ever get my hair done in America ever again.

A man named Tomo cut my hair.  And he did a fantastic job with the cut and style, but the best part was the shampooing.  Seriously, it was worth every bit of the extra ¥500 I paid for it.  At least.

I've come to a realization that Japan is a very relaxing country.  You get a pedicure, it comes with a half-hour long foot and leg massage that is absolutely blissful.  You go to the flipping barber shop for a quick and easy buzz cut (a la the Marine Corps) and you get a quick massage at the end.  At the hair salon, they incorporate a 15 minute scalp massage in with your shampoo.    And let me tell you, it is heavenly.  Now, I am like any other American in a foreign country.  I'm not quite a tourist so I'm not loud and obnoxious (although my kid sure can be), but I'm not a local.  Which makes me hesitant to DO things.  I've been able to silence and kick aside that hesitation for the most part because I figure I am only here for three years, I'd better get in as much as I can.  But it is hard.  It's hard for me to pick up the phone and call an all-Okinawan salon and ask for a haircut appointment.  It's hard for me to balls up, get out and do things.  Fortunately I've got seriously one of the greatest possible friends here with me and we are able to motivate each other to DO and SEE.  So we made these hair appointments together and in the salon we sat side-by-side while our kids played in the little "children's room".  We experienced.  We enjoyed.  And thank God for that.

In about 40 minutes, I'll be getting my eyebrows waxed.  By the time Mark gets home I'll be like a new woman!

Love you long time

The past two weeks have been really long and drawn out without Mark here, but today I penciled in his return flight on the calendar and I felt a split second of sheer bliss.  He'll be here soon!  Granted, he'll be leaving again soon, but having him here even for just a little while will be a welcome break from the doom and gloom of his extremely quickly approaching deployment.

We've got dates scheduled for before he leaves and I am really excited to get to spend time with him before he goes away again.  Absence sucks royally, but it's true what they say about the things it does to your heart.  For the next couple of days, I'll be cleaning house and getting everything ready for him to come home to a low-stress, happy environment.  The poor guy deserves a little break.