Amaris turned three and despite her little bout with that fever she had on the 27th, we made the most of it. Tinkerbell cupcakes, tutus, and pedicures...  Looking back, even though I cancelled her party, she didn't go without by any means.

When Mark calls, he talks to Amaris on the phone.  She takes control of their phone conversations like a typical girl and rambles on and on about the goings-on in her day to day before cutting the chat off with an, "Ok I'll talk to you way-ter.  I wuv you daddy and I miss you, too.  Bye!"  I don't think he ever really gets a word in edgewise, poor guy.  When she hastily hands me back the phone, nine times out of ten, I am the one to hear his "I love you too!"  I don't tell him that, though.

The other day when he called, she proceeded to tell him "I lost my daddy and I need to go save him from the parking wot."  In Amaris' world, it seems that a lot of important things happen in "the parking wot."  He was quite saddened by her concern over having apparently misplaced him.  She tells me daily that "Daddy's in the 'reen corn."  And the 'reen corn is "Inna desert."  She's a bright little girl.

Cadence has been growing like a weed but more out than up these days and strangers in public can't help themselves when they see her, they just feel so compelled to clue me in on how "fat" she is.  Which pisses me off to no end.  She's not FAT, she's a baby.  Thankyouverymuch.  And she's adorable.  She looks more and more like her daddy every day.  Which is funny because she was born looking like me!  She has a lot of my personality, though.  She's not a people-person.  And when she's done crying over strangers getting in her face and trying to impress her, the fact that she is so introverted just totally cracks me up.  She is definitely the opposite of her social-butterfly big sister (whose personality is nearly identical to Mark's!)

They get along really well, though.  Amaris has taken to feeding Cadence her last bottle before bedtime each night and I think they both get a kick out of the sisterly snuggles that come with it.  Cadence is Amaris' waking thought most mornings and it's all I can do to keep her from bursting through her little sister's bedroom door each day to see if she's awake yet.

Life has been good lately.  Peaceful.  I can't complain aside from Mark's absence.  I miss him a lot.  It never really gets better.  Just more routine.  I write to him, I buy him goodies to fill care packages with, I hang on to every blissful moment we spend emailing or on the phone with each other.  And each day I feel this bittersweet anxiety about bedtime.  Getting the kids to bed each night is what I look forward to as my beautiful, peaceful milestone marking the end of another day...  But it also means that I'll soon be heading to bed myself.  Alone.  And that is less enticing.  I wake up sometimes in a position where I feel like I am naked because he is not alongside of me.  His pillow is cold.  His smell really doesn't even linger there anymore since all of the laundering of the sheets.  It makes me sad.  And a little hollow.  Some nights I am tempted to just sleep on the couch but I talk myself out of it (mostly to avoid the incessant buzz of the dehumidifier I'd be sharing a room with here in the living area...)

I know that before I know it, he'll be home again with me and all of this will seem so trivial.  But I think I felt it the most when he said on the phone, "It seems so much harder this time.."  It does.  Rightfully so.  During his previous trips, we weren't yet married.  Had no children.  Had lots to occupy our time (I had work and school, he had a different job that was a lot more intense).  Had California and all of it's familiarity and comfort.  Things this time are decidedly different.  And more difficult.

The cicadas are out across the island and their loud and crazy buzzing makes me feel like I am in the jungle.  Even though I tend to be surrounded by concrete, generally.  There is a lot that I love about this place.  (Not the cicadas, that was just a weird segue.)  I'm trying to take it all in and not worry about the rest.