I think maybe that's it.  Just too much floating through my head to bother making it meaningful.

Some days I feel overwhelmed, like my life is just chaotic.  Others I feel sad and alone.  Sometimes I feel overstimulated, sometimes under.  I can't get myself motivated to do the things that need to be done.  I can't get myself put together most days.  Several times, I have realized halfway through the day that I forgot deodorant, didn't brush my hair, or have been holding off on peeing for hours.

Some of it's good.  Some of it's bad.  But it's all there.  I sit and I think way too much, and then I think about thinking too much and try to be reasonable.  It's a vicious cycle.  It puts knots in my stomach.

I frequently find myself incredibly distracted.  I think I need a vacation.

So, elated at the idea of her NOT crying, I promised her a popsicle after school if she followed through with it.  Then I said, "Do you like school, Amaris?"  She nodded.  (Caught in a lie!)

We got to school and I walked her up the stairs to the upper grounds.  She walked right over and sat down to change her shoes, and then stood up and requested kisses and wubs.  So I have her a hug and a kiss and I left.  She was fine with it.  No tears, no screams, no troubles.  She may just have found her peace.

Amaris won't be able to say the same at this rate.  She informed me today about a half a dozen times.  "Mommy, I don't like school."

What this translates to is "Mommy, I would rather not wake up at 7AM and let you do my hair and dress me in a nice uniform and then drop me off with the Japanese nuns."

I know it is a lie.  I know it because she pitches a fit when I'm dropping her off, but when I pick her up she is having a blast.  She enjoys it there.  Her teacher is as sweet as can be, the other students are all adorable and she plays with them well, and basically everybody already knows and enjoys her there.  She's not quite yet 3 and is already lying through her teeth.  And for what?  The possibility of sleeping in?

Clearly bedtime needs to come forward in the schedule a bit.  8:30PM is not sufficient anymore.  Or else I need to enforce the post-school nap rule.  Tonight I managed to get the (insert expletives here) "Elephant story" (still thanking Heather for buying us that DELIGHTFUL book for Valentine's Day...) read and her lights out by 8.  30 minutes doesn't seem like much, but progress is progress.  So I'll take what I can get.

Her little friend, Emma ("Nemma" if you're speaking Amarish), was going to start school tomorrow but her mom just called and let me know that she is going to postpone it till Thursday instead so she can get her finals knocked out while her husband has a day off.  So I was excited about Nemma going to school with Amaris, thinking that would surely remedy the "Mommy, I don't like school" issue, but I suppose we'll have to tough it out through one more day.

Maternal guilt is lame.

So I didn't expect anything from him for the holidays he'd miss due to his deployment, quite frankly.  And I wasn't bitter about it.  I just figured that's the way it goes.  But today, I received a dozen beautiful roses.  It was unexpected and wonderful and sweet.  Sometimes, he turns on the charm.  What a thoughtful guy I married.  (Well, when he wants to be!)

Yesterday was a great day, too.  I took the kids to the commissary with me (since I slacked off last week on Amaris' school days and didn't get it done) and despite my fears, they were so incredibly well-behaved.  Amaris asked to sit in the cart and she didn't pester me to get out or yank things off the shelves or get loud and obnoxious...  It was awesome.  Cadence was awake and alert the entire trip but totally content and smiling at me the whole time.  I was so thrilled.

This morning, Amaris and I baked a coffee cake.  And then my friend came and got her and took her to her house.  When she came back she had a gift bag (which had three Yankee candles that smell like a tropical getaway) and a pretty picture she colored for me.  And she'd learned to say "Happy Mother's Day!"  (Which she later said to grandma on the phone, too.)  We made homemade chicken nuggets for dinner.

The weekend hasn't been perfect as far as schedules and such go, but it's been successful and enjoyable.  Tomorrow (and likely the rest of the week) will be busy, so for now I am just enjoying the last few hours left of Mother's Day.

Seeing my struggles, her sweet little teacher came and took her, screaming, into the class room.  I "gomen-nasai-ed" my heart out as I left.  I hope her screaming fit didn't last long.  And I hope that it doesn't become "the norm" for her.  Yesterday, while sad, was much nicer - she just ran off into the classroom and didn't look back.

Part of me - the sucker mom part - thought to myself, "Oh, well, she doesn't want to go - I should just take her back home today."  Then the sensible part of me thought to myself, "No way, she isn't going to win this battle - school is school.  I am paying the tuition, she will ATTEND."

So when Cadence has a bad day, I feel it.  Bad days for Amaris, who had colic as an infant and has always been attitudinal, were the norm.  Bad days for Cadence...  Not so much.  They leave me wondering who this other baby is that's trying to replace my always sweet little girl.

Today has been a bad day for my poor little baby.  I'm not sure why or what happened to make today different but she's had a terrible time napping.  For the first time in her life, for the better half of the day today, she's been awake.  Not always contently.  Much of that awake time has been spent fussing.  Maybe she's growing?  Maybe she's teething?  Maybe she's just in a bad mood?  I don't know.  I wish babies had a way to communicate other than crying.  Because I feel like a worthless, helpless mother when she cries and I don't know the purpose.  And she's pretty much cried every time I've tried to get her to nap today.  Though I know she's exhausted.

It's not a good feeling.  Today was a great day in many other aspects, but this mood of Cadence's has certainly been a low.  I just wish I could get her to get a decent rest in.

This is the second time that the moldy, horrific air conditioning units have dragged Cadence under the weather.  I know I can pin the blame on them because she lives a very sheltered life and somehow she's had this congestion TWICE.  She's only 3 months old.  What's wrong with that?

So I am making saline drops and getting ready to bleach the air conditionings.

Being everything to everyone is getting to be kind of rough.

I'm proud of myself.

Today I conquered homemade pancakes for the first time IN MY LIFE.  I pulled out the Bisquick and then said to myself, "No."  And I looked up a recipe for homemade pancakes.  I'm so glad I did.  They turned out delicious.  Amaris ate one and a half.  I ate two.  And the last several that I made turned out...  BROWN!  Usually my pancakes come out all splotchy and ugly.  These were golden.  Like the ones you get at Denny's.

I almost peed my pants.  I have discovered the secret to golden pancakes.  And it is good.