It's been a difficult week. As Mark got dressed he said, "I'll be so glad when this week is over with. One more day to go."
This difficult week, with all of it's early mornings and late evenings, has made me come to a realization. I am lonely. I'm just as lonely here in Okinawa as I was in San Angelo. I love Mark to death and God knows he tries but this week he's been, really, too tired to be a social outlet for me. He comes home, sits zombie-fied at the computer and checks his various accounts: Myspace, Facebook, Mob games... And I sit over his shoulder rambling on and on about the trivial happenings of my own day to day. Then we eat dinner and he goes to the couch and turns on the TV. And promptly falls asleep. Not like dozes off, we're talking full-on mouth gaping head on the armrest sleep. Amaris always has to point this out. "LOOK, mommy! Daddy's sweeping!" The first couple of nights she tried to wake him up by whacking him on the forehead repeatedly and saying, "'it up! 'it up!" Last night she simply said, "Where's daddy's blanket?" then found her own tiny little pink fuzzy fleece blanket with the stars on it, and painstakingly covered him up with it (first his shoulders and neck, then pulled it lower and lower till it was covering his feet). Then she kissed him. And then she came to me, proudly, and sat in my lap. Night before last, she offered him her "B" and her "dol-fat" as sleep peace offerings. ("Dol-fat" translates to dolphin - as in the stuffed animal she HAD to HAVE from the Churami Aquarium a couple weekends back.)
As Mark sat and started his routine last night of checking his Myspace and Facebook accounts, I rambled on and on about all the chaos that was my yesterday: The tower fire drill where I ended up locked out of the apartment and the firemen had to climb a drain pipe to let me back in, the trip to the "pwee-grout" where Amaris played with at least a half dozen other military brats for nearly an hour before I told her it was time to come inside and make dinner - which caused her to throw herself down in the grass and scream bloody murder and kick her feet in the adorable terrible two's style of good old fashioned tantrum-throwing, and then the trip back into the apartment where I had to carry her under one arm while she screamed and kicked me in the back until we got into the building where I set her down on the floor and let her follow me into and out of the elevator (each time she was stopped long enough to do so, she threw herself down and pitched another fit). The early morning phone call from maintenance to come and fix the kitchen drain - the same one that had already been fixed the day prior. The handful of phone calls I had to make throughout the day to schedule appointments - Amaris' dental exam and my own ultrasound, and the call to TMO to make sure our belongings are still on-time to arrive on November 4.
And while I sat there going on and on about all this, Mark just kept doing what he was doing. Ordinarily I wouldn't have cared. But for some reason my delightful hormones were going full-swing and I got upset at him for not giving me any response. I wasn't looking for a five-paragraph essay or anything, I know that my adventures when relayed to an extremely tired man who spent his day shooting a rifle and getting sweaty and dirty pretty much mean nothing. But I all of the sudden felt like he could at least have pretended to be interested. I don't even know that he did that whole smile and nod thing to keep me rambling. I just know that he sat there continuing on like I may as well not have even existed. And it hurt my feelings. And I sad, "Well, you sure are fun," and then got up and went into the kitchen to sulk.
He said, "You're not happy, are you?" I said, "Not right now." He said, "I mean with me, in general." No, that's not true. Actually since we got here things have been great. Things have been stellar. There have been times when I felt a fight brewing since we arrived in Okinawa and he must have, too, because he immediately apologized, smiled, and took my hand. Moments like that have NEVER before existed in my relationship with (as I affectionately call him) the most stubborn man alive. Moments that literally leave me dumbfounded and searching for the proper words to THANK him for humbly avoiding a pointless argument. I should have searched harder so that I could convey my gratitude, rather than silently counting my blessings. Since we got to Okinawa, our relationship has been great, is what I'm trying to say. We don't always have the privacy or comfort that we want here, with Amaris running around like a maniac, baby girl kicking the hell out of me from inside, and no proper bed to snuggle up in, but I feel liks things are a thousand times better than they were while we struggled through 6 months in Texas. It is NOT that I am unhappy with him. The problem is solely me.
I am a lonely person. I spend my days, quite literally, talking to an irrational 2-year-old. And we went to the playground yesterday and there were at least four other moms there with their kids, and one dad. And Amaris got along with all the kids and had a great time. And some of the moms clicked and were chatting. But I felt like the loner. Just like in high school. I managed to be the loser mom that didn't fit in. And I don't know what I did wrong. And I resent it. I don't know anyone here. I don't have stellar social skills or anything like that so I have alienated myself and have, basically, no idea how to MAKE friends. Especially with kids. The other unit wives from Mark's command are... nice, I guess. I don't know. We are one of the few families with more than one child, or really, any children at all. The wives I have met I am hesitant to get close to. Mark knows tis about me the best. I am terrified of being shat on, so I don't make friends. I sulk and mope and try to find other ways to occupy my time and none of it works. I still end up the lonely one who depends on her husband as her only social outlet.
Poor guy. I am sure he really does feel like he can't win. And he tries so hard, too. To keep me sane and happy. And I sit here and mope and isolate myself and fill my time with frivolous online shopping and other things that I think will make me happy but they don't fulfill me, really.
My goal when we found out that we were coming to Okinawa was to work on school. I need to enroll. And I need to do it soon. I need to be doing something that matters. Not that raising Amaris doesn't matter, I just feel like I'm not always doing the best job at that either and I could do it better if only I would just work on making myself happy, too.
NMCRS is looking for volunteers. I think I'll email them today and find out how to get started. And the PWOC is always on my back trying to recruit me. I don't know anything about "Protestants" so I'm going to look it up and see just what all that religion entails.
For now, it's 4AM. Mark is on his way to work and I'm praying it won't be a ridiculously long day today. For his sake and mine. And that tomorrow they'll have a different schedule that doesn't require him waking up before 5AM and coming home after 6PM. It's Halloween, for crying out loud. I am going back to bed now that I've gotten this off my chest.
