Where is my muse?
It used to be the rule that I did my best blogging when I was alone and/or down. And now it seems that I spend most of my time being alone and down, and somehow I have nothing to say.
Mark has been gone for more than four months and we did have a return window, which I was cautiously optimistic about... But for the moment that window has been taken away and replaced with a giant question mark. Which really makes me sad and disappointed. I'm back to being utterly in the dark. I don't know when he will be home. Don't even have a clue. And due to his specific situation right now, I don't even have a clue who to look to for answers about it. Part of me just wishes he was messing with me and that he'd unexpectedly burst through the door at any moment. And I'd probably pee my pants and spring up off the couch, Lucy III clattering to the floor, and run to him. And it would be very classy - me wrapped around him completely with my frumpy pony tail, no bra, oversized t-shirt, dirty socks and pee-soaked yoga pants. Does that not paint the loveliest picture?
It makes my heart hurt. Amaris, lately, has really become obsessed with asking questions about him. Where is he, what is he doing, when will he be home... And it's exhausting because so frequently I don't know the answers. How do you keep things simple when they aren't? How do you explain to your three year old that daddy is far away in a dirty and ugly place doing a job that is dangerous but that fills him with love and pride? How do you tell her that he'll be safely home again soon, but you don't know when? She saw a Marine in his cammies one day last week while we were walking from the car to our building and she laughed and said, "Wookit, mommy, he's wearing daddy's."
Being a military wife sucks. But I think being a military brat must suck even more. And sometimes, I am thrilled that I brought my children into this lifestyle, with all of the pride and life experience and community that comes with it... But other times, I feel guilty that my children are experiencing some of the things they face. It seems so unfair for a child to have to deal with such grown-up things.
I know we'll all be fine. But sometimes I do struggle and I do feel sad about it. I guess I just hate to blog about all the sad things, so I haven't blogged at all. I should get over that.
September 3, 2009 at 10:58 PM
It is hard..I remember those days. Every time we went to the commissary my daughter would look to see if she could find daddy..We always did grocery shopping together. So she was always going "I think I see daddy" or "why hasn't daddy found us yet"..So grocery shopping was really depressing during deployments..But even more the time changes or not knowing exactly when they would return.I would go to the pits when he was gone and then when he came home everything returned to normal until the next deployment..My husband is retired now but those feelings and the knowledge of what you are going through came rushing back when I read your post. So know you are not alone..And I thank you and your family for their support and love of your husband while he is out there keeping us safe. It is a wonderful job that you do.
Thank You! and Thank your Husband!
Hugs,
Robin
September 5, 2009 at 7:27 AM
I'm sorry you have been so depressed lately. You can only tread water for so long before you start to sink. I get a taste of what your life is like every day with my husband working nights. Whenever you deal with a schedule that isn't "normal" it eventually starts to wear on you. It catches up to you and kicks your butt til you get it under control again. In my situation at least I get to see my husband every day, but we are rarely in the same bed together, rarely have a meal together, and I have to do everything alone all the time. I often feel like a single mother- I'm sure you feel the same. But even though our schedules aren't perfect, we can still make it. Hang in there. :)
September 10, 2009 at 3:24 PM
Thanks for the comment about the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. That is definitely a great idea and I bet it really does just come out like Ralph's!
On your situation, I wish you the most love and the best of luck. It's hard to be separated from your love for so long, but it is trials like these that truly show how much one cares. As long as you keep your spirits up and continue being a great mother, wife, and friend to everyone, everything will turn out fine - and better. I just know that when he returns, you will be rewarded for all your hardship.