My problem:
I am acknowledging my problem. I have way too many distractions. And way too many garbage thoughts clouding my head.
Yesterday I checked my email twice and looked up a recipe. Other than that I was internet-free. I folded and put away mountains of laundry, tidied up the kitchen, and that was it. I feel like I should've been able to do so much more.
And now today, all of the remaining tasks are staring me down. I am ultra-aware of everything I did not accomplish. The floors, the kitchen, the bathrooms need to be cleaned. My stack of receipts from February-now still need to be balanced into my ledger. There's still more laundry waiting to go for a spin-cycle. The chores never end. It's like this circle of housework that just keeps on going and going.
Last night I was so elated to find that the job I had been wanting to apply for FINALLY got posted on the MCCS-Okinawa website. I sat at the computer for over an hour re-vamping my resumé while Cadence fussed for no apparent reason and Mark didn't make it home till about 7PM. When he got here I let him take over with her and continued on, but I think my spirit about the situation had already died. Guilt took a hold of me over the fact that I'd have to put Cadence in day care and would miss out on a ton of time with the girls...
I stood up, pushed in the chair and said, "Nevermind." The window with the online-application is still open on my computer screen now. Over 12 hours later. Half complete. I don't have the heart to close it.
When I was little, I always said I'd go to college, I'd wait to have kids, I'd always keep a part time job at the very least, so that I could have my foot in the door and be a marketable employee in case of an emergency. I didn't want to be completely dependent on anybody. But here I am. And don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of my life. I've changed my plans, I know, but I did that intentionally. And I absolutely would not trade any of it. My marriage, my children, my adventures... I might've stayed in school a little longer and applied myself a little harder to it, but that's really the only choice I've made that I consider a "mistake". Even still, I know why I made that mistake and I know that there hasn't been much I could do to change it. Which is why I hadn't finished any further college classes until this week.
Sometimes I look around at the house during the week days, devoid of adults and commanding my constant attention and I think to myself that this is not at all what I'd had in mind. And then I feel selfish for thinking that way because when it all comes down to it, I do enjoy being home with the kids. I did choose this. I chose to move excruciatingly slowly towards my college education. I chose to get pregnant twice and have two beautiful daughters to care for. I knew I wouldn't want to put them in child care. I knew I'd want to be with them till they headed off to school, even if that meant "sacrificing" valuable, useable years of my life. I knew that. I was prepared for that. I wanted that, even.
So I can't really put my finger on what it is about the situation that makes me feel borderline resentful now. When it's what I chose for myself. It's the path I insisted on. When I quit my job at NAVSEA, I had begged Mark's blessing on it. I said, "We can survive on just your income, I don't want this horrible job anymore. I hate it. I want to just stay home and take care of the house. We could have a baby soon and then we'd want me home anyways."
I've always had these distractions. The only new ones are the kids. The house has never been perfect. My "work" here at home never feels finished. I feel like there's always one more thing. And when I spend all day on the couch, meticulously folding every single shirt in the house, I feel like I am underaccomplished and underappreciated. Not that Mark doesn't appreciate what I do. More like I don't appreciate it, I guess. I suddenly feel like I'm not even qualified for a paying job anymore. I feel unmarketable and useless and dependent. And I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like a burden on anybody, especially my husband (though he assures me that I am not). I feel selfish or guilty for about 50% of the thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. I feel like I've backed myself into a corner here as a housewife, a domestic, and I'm not even really that good at it. I try and try, but nothing ever turns out the way I think it should and I wind up disappointed.
I don't want to put my kids in all-day every day child care. I want to be with them as much as I can. I want to have patience for them. I want to be the best mom I can be. But I also feel like I want things for myself that just aren't happening. Things that won't happen. Things that can't happen, because I won't let them.
Maybe I like feeling like this. Maybe deep down this is just the way it's supposed to be. There is no happy medium, obviously. I'd be bitter and jaded either way.
I need to just let it go. I am where I belong. I am doing what I am supposed to, as best I can.
March 12, 2009 at 10:21 AM
Well, take this comment as you will, given it is coming from me, who very much values family and education. I think you should fill out the application and just see what happens, then decide what you want to do. If anything, you can practice your interview skills and feel proud that employers do want to hire you.
March 13, 2009 at 6:57 AM
It seems like we are having the same problem on opposite sides of the spectrum. You are not succeeding by spending all day at home and I am not succeeding by only spending a couple hours a day at home. Isn't it crazy how we know beforehand the sacrifices we will have to make but then when it actually happens it is way worse than we imagined? I guess it helps that we end up loving our babies way more than we could ever imagine. I really wish the world was supportive of mothers being with their children and made it possible for us to do that and not feel like a failure or feel guilty. To just feel happy knowing that we are bringing God's children to Earth and enjoy what a blessing they are minus all the other stress. I know it's hard, but try to find a balance between doing for your family and doing for yourself. You ARE valuable and I know I sure admire how well you handle everything all the time.