A whole lot.
It's not that I haven't had anything to say. Quite the opposite, really. I've had too much to say. So much that I just don't know where to start. Mostly it's been good, but some of it has been bad, weepy, pathetic, take your pick.
I just haven't been able to find the words. I can't pick a thread and go with it. I've been overwhelmed. That's the trend lately.
Had I found the drive to blog last night as I cooked dinner with Amaris while Mark and Cadence napped on the couch, it'd have been happy, to say the least. I was singing along to the music and dancing around the kitchen and thinking to myself, contentedly, that this is the way it's supposed to be. This morning, I'd have been pitiful as I scrapped together the pieces of my unconventionally broken heart. Things, feelings, emotions come and go. The days all run together, I don't even really think straight most of the time.
The emotional cycle of deployment has begun. I'm on a nonstop roller coaster and it goes deeper than the thought that I am going to miss my husband. It's all sorts of worldly things that just zap me right into this uncomfortable state of reality. I'm not enjoying it, and to be honest I think that without my little support system and these beautiful kids of mine, I'd probably have lost it long ago. (Or maybe just last week - my sense of time is just totally screwed up lately.)
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Though sometimes it does feel that way. I'm just dealing with all of these things the only way I can think to at this point.
March 6, 2009 at 9:26 AM
((hugs)) The worst will be over soon, as you well know (and civillians would find illogical) that these final days and weeks before they leave truly ARE the very worst of it. Soon you will be able to cry your final tears, heave a huge sigh, settle into a routine, and begin counting the days till he's back home.
In the mean time, hug the man who knows that your mood swings are the deployment, not the real you, and squeeze those baby girls tight, for you are blessed, lady. Even when times are tough, you've really got everything you need right there.