But this is January. This is a new year. A new decade. New Year's Resolutions - I've got a few. They are remarkably like the things I resolved to deal with last year. Hopefully, a touch more reasonable.

Last January, I was awaiting the impending departure of my husband to Afghanistan. He has since returned, enjoyed a blissful two months at home, and is now gone. Again. Not to Afghanistan, and not for a "full-length" deployment... But still a separation is a separation. So I'm not really very impressed at the moment with my current loneliness and with the fact that by her birthday, I'll have spent the vast bulk of my littlest's first year as a single mother of two in a foreign country. Lame. Things could ABSOLUTELY be worse, I know, and I'm trying not to be a total pessimist, but I definitely do appreciate all of the highs and lows of this lifestyle for exactly what they are.

I've put a lot of thought into this year's resolutions. Mostly because I spent a lot of time LAST year noticing the things wrong in my life. Things I hope to resolve, not just this year but in the coming years as well. So far, I'll admit, I'm not doing a spectacular job. As I type this, I am in last night's pajamas, hair unbrushed, and house absolutely less than tidy. To be fair, Mark left just two days ago and I am dealing with the mandatory moping period. Which is something I feel strongly about allowing myself each and every time he goes away. I think I deserve a couple of days to have a pity party, so long as I don't expect everybody else to join me and stroke my ego. These separations are temporary and I'm going to get over it, move on, and make it through. Somehow those months last year eventually disappeared and all at once we were dressed and standing in a windy parking lot, peering out under our hands at the bus full of Marines approaching.

Life is full of challenges. It's full of anxieties. It's full of comings and goings. Heartbreak, extreme highs, tragedy, romance, comedy... It's full of good times, good company, and good food. It's full of struggles and successes.

I'm rambling.

That's the point.

My resolutions for this year (and beyond) are:

I think maybe that's it.  Just too much floating through my head to bother making it meaningful.

Some days I feel overwhelmed, like my life is just chaotic.  Others I feel sad and alone.  Sometimes I feel overstimulated, sometimes under.  I can't get myself motivated to do the things that need to be done.  I can't get myself put together most days.  Several times, I have realized halfway through the day that I forgot deodorant, didn't brush my hair, or have been holding off on peeing for hours.

Some of it's good.  Some of it's bad.  But it's all there.  I sit and I think way too much, and then I think about thinking too much and try to be reasonable.  It's a vicious cycle.  It puts knots in my stomach.

I frequently find myself incredibly distracted.  I think I need a vacation.

For her pretend birthday, she got a big girl bike with streamers and training wheels and she actually managed to ride it correctly for the most part.  Good thing we made her pretend birthday today because the rain is coming again and there's no telling how long it'll stay around this time.

Pretend special occasions are good.  Bittersweet, but good.

The evening before last, a man residing in this building died.  He was not old.  He was not unhealthy.  He was not much different from my own husband.  Had arrived on Okinawa in August, just recently celebrated an anniversary with his young wife, had a lovely two year old, and was in a steady and strong Marine Corps career.

In fact, he not only lived in this building.  He also worked in the same building Mark works in.  Mark knew him and considered him a friend.  His death hits close to home.  Well, when you consider that he lived just 4 floors above us, his death kind of hits home, period.

The most tragic part is that he did not have to die.  Several days ago, he was misdiagnosed at medical and was sent home and told that he was suffering from an ear infection.  As it turns out, he had meningitis.

Now, this community is small.  We are in close quarters regardless of whether or not we want to be.  When things like this happen, it affects us all in one way or another.  In the Marine Corps family life, it's not expected, per se, but is at least understood moreso than in many other career paths that death is a possibility.  You send your husband away on deployments and regardless of how confident you feel in his abilities, you are well aware of the daunting fact that he might not make it home with a heartbeat.  Sudden deaths like this somehow feel even scarier.  Even while your husband is home with you, working "normal" hours and you think he is completely safe, life is so precious.  It's impermanent.  It's fragile.  And quite frankly, it can end at any time, anywhere.  It's incredibly unfortunate that it takes tragedy to jog society's communal memory about those things.

I've been selfish.  I've taken for granted all of the things that I've unintentionally expected to always be there.  Tomorrow, for example.  My family.  My health.  I am so fortunate.  I am so blessed to have these seemingly simple things.

Life is a blessing.  Hold your loved ones a little closer tonight and appreciate their existence, please.  And say a little prayer for those less fortunate.