Heavy things

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6:30 AM
When I snapped and posted the picture of "just us girls" on Wednesday, I wasn't aware that I would be realizing the gravity of "just us girls" quite so soon.

And then Mark called.  And my world came crashing down.  I feel pathetic saying that, but that's how it felt.  I'd been anticipating his deployment for so long that I'd gotten numb to it.  The details faded into the background and I just didn't worry about things.  I knew that he'd be going and I'd be staying and that was that.  The estimated date was nearly in June so I figured I had some time to adjust myself accordingly.

At this point, though, instead it looks like he'll be leaving before May even begins.  And before that he'll be training for two weeks in North Carolina.  If you run your mental calendar, that pretty much means that we have very little time remaining already.  And that he is most likely going to miss another anniversary this year.

So now that I have sketchy details that involve the next two months, I am panicked.  I feel like this has all come up on us so suddenly and I am not sure what to do with myself.  How to react.  How to cope.  And then I have days with the kids where I think to myself, "Good God, what have I gotten myself into?"  Amaris pushes ALL of my buttons ALL day long, and juggling the girls, the house, food, chores and whatever else becomes incredibly different from about 3-10PM.  It's stressful and overwhelming.  How will I get through x months without daddy's help?  What am I going to do?

I know that eventually these things will just work out.  And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  But this deployment is just so different for us in so many ways from the trips he took in 2003 and 2004.  I'm overwhelmed with a whole barrage of emotions I had forgotten about, or didn't have to feel during those previous deployments due to different circumstances.

I'm going to be alright.  I just need to keep reminding myself.
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Just us girls

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10:29 AM
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The Mood

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2:03 PM
I "genius" playlisted "Can't Get It Out Of My Head" by John Paul White.  It predictably produced a list of 100 of the most mellow songs I've got in my iTunes library.

I don't know what it is with me and mellow music.  I could probably listen to nothing but mellow music.  I've also referred to it in my head as "stoner music" - which is odd, because I'm about the furthest thing from a stoner in existence.  Stoners annoy and disgust me.  I have like no tolerance for them.  And I've never touched any sort of illegal substance myself.  Yep, I'm a goody-good.  I'm straight edge like it's going out of style.  (Actually it probably is.)

Anyways music does weird things to my psyche.  Certain songs take me back instantly to a different place and time in my life.  Other songs can rip my heart out, even if I'm just hearing them for the first time.

Ryan Adams' "Wonderwall" cover warps me right back to my wedding.  Or, actually, it kind of warps me back to the classes we took at John Dancer prior to the wedding where we learned to foxtrot.
Jonathan Rice's "So Sweet" comes on and instantly I am sitting in my Scion in the worst traffic jam of my life on the grapevine.  The one that took over 2 hours to get through (on a stretch of about 3 miles) on the way to go visit Mark at Camp Pendleton for the weekend.
Ben Folds' "Not The Same" takes me to every road trip I ever took with my mom - most of them to Disneyland or Camp Pendleton.
"The Scientist" by Coldplay breaks my heart and reminds me of the drive to take Mark back to the barracks before his deployment.  Sitting in the back seat of my mom's minivan wrapped up in seat belts and eachothers' arms, faces tear-streaked and tired.
"Acoustic #3" by the Goo Goo Dolls jogs my memory of a week-long family vacation nearly 10 years ago to a place called Pajaro Dunes where we spent our days on the beach and our nights eating pricey appetizers and enjoying eachother's company.
Jimmy Eat World, anything on their Bleed American CD, but mostly "Hear You Me" transports me to San Simeon.
"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick reminds me of working at NavSea in Port Hueneme and the Santa Ana winds.
Blink 182's "Here's Your Letter" takes me back to meticulous, mindless paperwork when I was just starting at the only paying job I miss.
"She Will Be Loved" from Maroon 5's Songs About Jane puts me in the driver's seat of my first car, driving to my first job.

And a whole list of these songs pretty much makes me completely useless.  Because instead of working on the things that need to get done, I blog about how my life feels like it has a soundtrack.
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Hypocrisy

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12:16 PM
If there is one thing that irritates the SHIT out of me, it's hypocrisy.  I hate self-righteous losers who can't manage to climb down off of their high horses, but more than that, I hate self-righteous losers who can't manage to climb down off their high horses while they scold other people for the same offense.  It's even worse when they are scolding people who aren't even guilty.

That's what we're dealing with here.  I kind of feel like the DOD rounded up a bunch of the most incompatible, weirdest people they could find and they sent them all to Okinawa.  There are a few GREAT people here.  They're like the sprinkles in a funfetti cake.  You find them and it's like a burst of sweet and color and excitement surrounded by a bunch of the same old white, spongy cake.  As a whole, the people on Okinawa are resentful, dramatic, bitter, socially awkward and downright catty.

The whole "woe is me" routine is getting old.  I'm tired of hearing everybody complain.  Military families KNOW that duty stations are not permanent.  We KNOW that we'll only be here for 3 years or so before they pack us up and send us someplace else.  I know people who would not only jump, but would HURDLE themselves at the opportunity to spend 3 years in Japan on the government's dime.  From what I've seen so far, very few Americans ON Okinawa are aware of how fortunate they are.  Or maybe they're aware and they just don't like to acknowledge it.  They'd rather sit around and piddle away their entire 3 or so years here feeling bad for themselves and throwing a total pity party.  All while being negative towards the people around them who choose NOT to live that way.

Excuse me but I refuse to be miserable here.  I refuse to let people's antagonism and addiction to dramatics define my three measly years here.  I won't subject myself and my family to that kind of pathetic behavior.  Why should I?

People can continue to talk.  To post pointed and condescending remarks on their Myspaces or blogs.  I don't care - freedom of speech and all that, right?  What it all comes down to is the sad fact that people are extremely jealous and lost and unwilling to experience anything good.  We're afraid of the unknown.  That's normal.  But being obsessed with fighting all chances at happiness seems a little bit bizarre to me.

I'm enjoying Japan so far.  And honestly I just want to do everything I can WHILE I can.  I think we deserve that.  We have 3 years, there's no reason I shouldn't know this island inside out by the time we leave here.  And I'll appreciate it for what it is.

So much for wordless Wednesday these past few weeks.
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Cadence the Model

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10:09 AM
Big shout-out to Kimberly Mitchell Photography for being so darn awesome.  Here are Cadence's newborn pictures.















Today we're off to the northern end of the island so that we can hit up the aquarium, the pineapple farm and the Najikin Castle ruins.
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Japanese-Italian

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12:10 PM
Who'd have ever thought that I'd come to Japan and have the best ITALIAN food of my life?

This weekend has so far been full of deliciousness.  On Friday, we tried out a sushi bar I'd been itching to test and were very pleasantly surprised.  It was in the sushi-go-round style, where the little plates scoot past your table on a conveyor belt, and each plate averaged around ¥150.  California Rolls, Crab Sticks, Eel, Shrimp...  And this phenomenal tempura shrimp roll.  We got Amaris some Okinawa Soba and she was content with that and one of the shrimps.  It was well worth the ¥3,000 total.

Yesterday for Valentine's Day we double-dated, kids in tow, with our nearest and dearest friends here on island.  We went to a place called Marino's.  For ¥12,110 we fed four adults and three children with food to spare.  And not just any food, but probably the best food I've had in a REALLY long time.  Two Margherita pizzas; cheese fondue (with toasty bread cubes); Caesar salad; brothy Italian-style vegetable soup; creamy, cheesy pasta with mushrooms and pancetta (they mix the pasta at your table in a giant half-wheel of parmesan cheese); risotto jam packed with goodies like sausage, shrimp and vegetables; the very BEST, most melt-in-your-mouth lasagna I've ever tasted; and 3 mini-desserts per person, which were to die for.

We all left full and happy.  Dinner was a success!


In other news, Cadence's belly button stump fell off this morning.  And we've been researching more things to do today.  We've got a bit of cabin fever, I think, and we all want to get out of the house.
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Shiki-NO-en

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10:55 AM
It's raining today!  And the forecast says to expect it to continue through Tuesday!  What gives??

So our trip to Shikinaen has been cancelled.  Well, postponed.  Maybe we'll go next weekend instead.  Anyhow Valentine's Day will instead be spent at home watching movies and drinking cocoa.  Goofy-assed weather.

I guess it's just as well, I'm a little behind on homework anyways...  And I need to do some housework.  Happy V-Day to ME!  >:/
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On to the next adventure!

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10:47 AM
I want to go to Shikinaen for Valentine's Day.  And today I called a local sling-maker about getting Cadence a carrier.  I am looking forward to wearing her to the grocery store and around the house.

We are getting in the swing of things.  Cadence is finding her voice.  She is still very quiet compared to her rambunctious big sister, but she is definitely talking (and crying) more in the past couple of days than she ever has.  She's falling into a schedule despite herself and we're all adjusting to it just fine.  Amaris is currently sitting next to her sleeping in the bouncy seat and cooing and talking to her.  I love them together.
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She's a Model

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10:48 AM
Cadence had newborn pictures taken today.  She is such a good little girl, the photographer was so impressed.  I can't wait to see them!
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lovelovelove

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9:13 PM
I'm really loving this.  My girls are the best.


I didn't believe it when people told me during my pregnancy (and believe me, I had a LOT of people telling me this) but you really DO just magically produce more love.  I honestly couldn't tell you any difference in my love for Amaris versus my love for Cadence.  I love them both exactly the same.  And I couldn't tell you any difference in my love for Amaris now versus my love for Amaris one week ago when Cadence was still floating around in my uterus.  It's amazing.  Today she was napping in her little bouncy seat and I looked at Mark and said, "It's so weird, I feel like she has never NOT been a part of the family.  I feel like she's just always been here, you know?"  He agreed.  She is such a peaceful, sweet little girl.  And even Amaris has adjusted to her beautifully, she is constantly concerned about her well-being and her goings-on...  And she really seems to adore her, she talks to her, sings to her, gives her kisses, checks on her throughout the day and asks to hold her.  It's really like she's been in our lives all along.

Anyways Mark makes fun of me, he says I was acting like love was a glass of water - like I was giving Amaris my only love and if I were to give love to someone else, it would be like taking some of the water out of Amaris' glass.  During my pregnancy it kind of did feel like that.  But now that Cadence is here, I get it.  Love really does grow.  Love multiplies.  And no matter how many people you feel like you're giving all your love to, there will somehow always be a way to give more.  Most importantly, even though it feels like it will, your heart isn't going to burst.  The seams are sewn together with something that feels like elastic.
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Cadence Stats

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10:26 AM
I can't believe I left these out of the original Cadence blog entry.

Cadence Marie
February 3, 2009
1:01AM
6 lbs, 12 oz
19" long
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Pictures

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5:45 PM
Cape Hedo








Cadence Marie





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The winner is...

Posted in Labels:
5:14 PM
ME!  And apparently two other blog-visitors.

February 3, 2009 at 1:01AM, Cadence Marie made her arrival in a very different way from her older sister's birth two and a half years ago.  Amaris' labor was 42 hours, over two hours of which were spent pushing to no avail.

All day on the 2nd, I had minor (but regular) contractions.  At around 8PM, the intensity increased a little and I timed about four contractions that were 5 minutes apart each.  And just as I was sitting on our friends' couch about ready to make the announcement that my contractions had picked up a little bit at the end of the last contraction, I felt a sharp kick-like feeling.  It made me jump a little.  And then I felt a warm gush and I knew my water had broken.  It was 8:27PM.

We stayed home till I started to get really uncomfortable during contractions and when we got to the hospital, it was after 11PM and I'd kept my eyes closed during the entire half-hour drive to get there.  I figured I'd get my epidural, sleep most of the night and then push in the morning.  I rated my contractions about an 8 on the 0-10 pain scale.

Into Triage I went and they monitored me for a while before determining my need for a Labor & Delivery room.  By then I was begging for the epidural.  The nurses struggled to place my IV catheter for what felt like forever.  I was in a massive amount of pain and each time they stuck me something went wrong and they had to start over.  Finally they got my IV running, and finally a doctor came to examine my cervix.  He fiddled forever and couldn't come up with an accurate guess on my progress.  His exam was excruciating and I finally shut my legs and told him to stop.  He made up some numbers for the nurses and asked to get my epidural going so that he could get a better idea of my actual dilation and effacement.  The nurses gave me a dose of some painkiller via my IV while we waited for the anesthesiologist.

I know most women say "I felt like I needed to poop."  But I really did.  And I told the nurse I wanted to go to the bathroom.  She said she needed to ask the doctor if I could because of the baby's location and the pain meds she'd given me.  He okayed it, just asked me to keep aware of the baby because that was probably part of the pressure I was feeling.

Mark had to help me use the bathroom.  I was successful, but I did feel the pressure of her head in my cervix, so I had to keep standing up and pressing my legs together to avoid accidentally pushing at the wrong times.  I managed to get back to the bed eventually, and then the anesthesiologist came in and started briefing me on the process and what I'd need to do.  He talked forever.  At the end of his spiel, he said something about how he wanted me to sit on the edge of the bed and slouch.  I said, "I can feel her head."  He kept talking.  I said, "Something is coming out of me."

He stopped talking and stood there almost kind of baffled while my nurse came and threw the covers off of me, just in time to reveal Cadence pretty much diving right out.  She gasped and said, "oh!  baby!  baby!"  and the entire staff of the Labor and Delivery wing rushed into my room all at once.

I didn't push one time.  I didn't do anything, really, except suffer through the contractions at their worst.  I was totally awestruck at her arrival.

She is beautiful and tiny and we are all in love with her.  Amaris has already sang her the ABC's and "Twinkle twinkle" about a dozen times.  Most of all we are just happy to finally be home.  More photos to come.
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Cape Hedo

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7:24 PM
We made it to and from Hedo Point without me going into labor yesterday!  Though I did contract all the way there and back.  They weren't painful or anything, but they clocked in at right around 6 minutes apart for the bulk of the day.

This morning I woke up totally uncomfortable and tossed and turned through some yucky contractions for about 3 hours before I gave up and got out of bed still tired.  Of course the minute I was out of bed they calmed WAY down, which was lame.  But I'll admit I was relieved to just not have to deal with them any more.  I laid on the couch for a while, but still tonight I've been totally beat since before 7PM.

I was going to upload pictures but it took forever and then gave me issues.  So maybe later.  I'm irritable.
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