Ashamed Confession:
This one hurts. More than the other two. For a few reasons I'm ashamed to admit here or anywhere, but that's the key to healthy coping, right? Talking it out?
We've been spoiled absolutely rotten for the past 4+ years. No deployments. That's unheard of for a Marine Corps wife whose husband has ever had anything at all to do with the infantry. The two deployments Mark went on were before we were legally married, before we had put any serious thought into having children, and before I'd left Fresno (my job, my family of origin, my friends, my comfort-zone).
The two deployments he went on were intense and scary but relatively short. One was 6 months, the other was 8. The 8-monther included a month or two here in Okinawa before they moved to Iraq.
This deployment will be a whole different breed for me. It'll be twice as long, I'll be alone in a foreign country, and I'll have two kids. And I'm unconditioned because of the lack of deployments recently. Oh - and since he's in a new job now he deploys with WOMEN. Which totally creeps me out. Nothing against women in the military, it is just weird to consider them in a sandy, ugly, dangerous place with my husband for a year. I never said I wasn't the jealous, insecure type.
I feel like he's at least had ample time to establish a bond with Amaris but he'll leave not very long after baby girl is born and will be gone for quite some time. What if they don't click like they're supposed to? What happens then?
I feel overwhelmed and these thoughts are all clouding my brain. I keep trying to sort things out, to plan the next few months so that we don't leave things out. But that's easier said than done. It's not like you can really plan for any of this, you just have to let it all happen. I'm not good at letting things happen.
Eventually it'll settle down and work out. And at the end of the separation, as usual, we'll fall into eachother and hold on as tight as possible and remember all the reasons we love each other so much, and then the lost time won't feel so significant anymore. Till then I'll probably feel like this. Life is full of adjustments and compromises.
January 14, 2009 at 1:20 PM
I am soooooo freaking sorry I wish that he didnt have to go at least for a while so baby girl could get to know him and so that you guys could have a little more time together!!! I feel super babd... Ilove you and if you ever need anyone to talk to just call me day or night or you can even IM me if you want AIM:fadish Yahoo:destinycleland...
January 14, 2009 at 11:27 PM
Every time I get to feeling sorry for myself that I am alone every night, I try to remember people like you who sacrifice so much more. I wish anything I could say would make you feel better.