Survey Says...
I added a new poll to the blog. Predict baby girl's arrival, win some crap. Okay, not really. I'm not giving prizes or anything. But you would win the satisfaction of knowing that you called it.
My estimated due date is February 10 and I've so far been measuring spot on with everything. The poll will close at 12:00AM February 1. (That's Okinawa time, so what I really mean is that it'll close at 7AM January 31 if you're on the West Coast.)
I've been thinking a lot about baby girl's impending arrival. Lots of anxieties and such. I think the moment I packed the diaper bag, it all became immensely more real to me. I remember
when I got my positive pregnancy test with Amaris, it was after 6 months of "trying to conceive" and one miscarriage, and the wave of random emotions was really intense. First elation, then panic, then more excited bliss, then "Oh crap, this is really happening and there's no turning back now."
When I got baby girl's first positive pregnancy test (I took a total of two tests with both pregnancies) I don't really remember how I felt. Startled and panicked, I think. I was miserable in San Angelo and to be honest not at a very good place in my marriage. I'd only been off birth control for about two months and I figured I'd have at least another month before pregnancy even became a concern. Mark didn't really give me a whole lot of reaction. I didn't have much of a reaction myself. I continued on with my boring daily life, sprinkled in a couple of doctor's appointments and prenatal vitamins, and cut out any and all alcohol rather abruptly. We didn't share the news till we were out of the first trimester and even then it was still a quiet sort of sharing. Personally I was too nervous to get excited, and in many ways I still felt miserable (Texas did that to me). Several times I wondered what would happen, where we'd go, how we'd deal. I knew we could handle another baby, but there were so many battling factors all at once in the whole situation that I just didn't know what to make of it all. There was talk of a possible temporary move for Mark to Yuma, AZ for some further training that I wouldn't be allowed to go to, which left me with VERY few options. All of which involved either being poverty-level-broke or me being alone with Amaris for the birth of the new baby in an unfamiliar place.
Obviously everything panned out just fine. But for a long time the pregnancy didn't really feel like it was something that was really happening to me. It felt more like a puzzle that I needed to figure out. It stressed me constantly.
I have felt "huge and pregnant" since before we arrived in Okinawa, and looking back I am honestly shocked to see how small I still was when we got here. I am not surprised, looking at the pictures, when I recall people not realizing that I was pregnant. That used to really piss me off. Obviously, though, I wasn't as giganto as I felt.
I've spent this pregnancy worrying about so many non-pregnancy things that I kind of feel like it's coming to an end in an unfair way - for the baby, I mean. I had no parties or anything to celebrate, I honestly have only bought her two articles of clothing - one a set of pajamas that Amaris picked out, and the other a dress I found on sale for 99Yen at "the bunny store". I've been fortunate that twice women have spotted me (and the belly) at the post office and have given me hand-me-downs, many of them unworn. And I was extremely fortunate to find a crib for free. Buying diapers and formula has felt totally surreal the couple of times I've done it. Many times I've sat and looked around and felt completely unprepared.
The reality is setting in now, the Joovy Caboose is hanging out in the closet, ready to roll. Her bedroom looks like a nursery, right down to clothes washed, folded and put away in her dresser. Car seat is ready to install at a moment's notice. Her diaper bag is packed with all the things a baby needs - diapering supplies, bottle, formula powder, extra clothing, blankets... She's coming. She'll be here very soon.
Part of me is still panicking. This is the part of me that goes, "Oh no! I don't remember if I liked having a newborn! I don't know if I'll like her as much as I am crazy about Amaris! And POOR Amaris! She has to share her parents now! I don't know if I have the patience to start over again from the beginning! Shit! This was a crazy stupid move! HELP! I don't want another floppy, pooping, crying baby! My life is over!" The other part of me is docile. "Well, I'll go into labor, have the baby, fall in love with her just like I did with Amaris, and things will be just fine. I'd rather carry a car seat than this big old belly. I can't wait to have my body back to myself. I love babies. Is it time yet? Amaris will be a great big sister."
I sort of feel like having your second is a lot like discovering you're pregnant with your first. All the feelings are the same. It's just the way that they come about that is different. For me, anyways.
I've never been one to worry about labor and delivery. With Amaris, I was anxious about it but not afraid. I was pretty much right on in those feelings. Her labor was long and intense but at the end all of the discomfort melted away when I was looking into her little face. Honestly, looking back I recall all of the pain just fine (no mommy-amnesia), but it was so worthwhile, and honestly I felt like it was just pretty damn exciting. Even exhilarating. I immediately appreciated the experience for what it was and had no complaints about it through my recovery. Labor doesn't scare me. Delivery doesn't scare me. Having another teeny baby at home... that's a little scary. And even scarier than that is the idea that one day that teeny baby will be just like her crazy big sister.
Anyways, vote in the poll. :) I'll be packing my hospital bag.
Almost 35 weeks
January 4, 2009 at 3:15 PM
I am voting for one week early because I know how glad I was that I went one week early. I think I would have committed a major murder-suicide if I had to wait out the next week!
That was the hardest part of my pregnancy too was how Art and I were so rocky in the beginning. Having a baby was entirely his idea then when I got pregnant he acted like it wasn't even his baby. Every day I wondered if I would have a husband by the time she was born, but everything turned out just fine in the end.
Hang in there these last few weeks and you are right to tell yourself everything will be fine, cuz it totally will. :)
January 4, 2009 at 6:03 PM
o.k., first of all, you're ginormous! and, you're welcome, I'm sure you needed to hear that.
second...you will absolutely love seeing your daughters together and Amaris is going to love being a big sister....unless she's Satan, and I don't get the impression that she is. Amaris will still have her special "only child" time with you and Mark (especially with Mark...hope he's prepared). And don't worry about her being as crazy as Amaris, worry that she'll be worse and much sooner because she'll be Amaris' student.
third...second babies get the shaft, they don't get the showers and parties, everything is a hand-me-down or second-hand, and their pregnancies kind of fly by without a whole lot of notice from anyone (especially you) because everybody is so busy with baby #1. That's normal (I'm told), even so it pretty much sucks. On the plus side, they also have a tendency to literally "fly" out of your vagina.
fourth...you won't like her the way you like Amaris, you will like her in a totally new way. Just like when you held Amaris the first time and suddenly understood love in a whole new way, you'll hold #2 and suddenly discover a whole new love all over again. Your bond will be just as strong, but different, and totally unique to the new baby--and that is pretty cool.
fifth--you are freakin' huge! But you haven't dropped....keep posting pictures, but I'd say you've got at least three weeks.
p.s. since labor is no big deal, I hope you'll pack Lucy in the hospital bag and blog or Facebook your loyal readers through the birth. (Status: Kari is screaming at Mark "you did this to me you #@%$@!", Kari is leaking amniotic fluid everywhere, etc....)
January 6, 2009 at 9:26 AM
You look great Kari!
I guesstimated Feb 6th.