The weirdest thing
It really seems like everybody is in a big rush for me to have this baby.
Everyone, that is, but me. I keep thinking to myself that I sort of feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever. I'm not particularly miserable though I am looking forward to being unpregnant again. It just somehow doesn't feel like I'll ever be in labor and heading to the hospital to have this little girl. Like, I can't fathom it actually happening.
And then I feel guilty. The biggest mood swing that has come with this pregnancy is the feeling of guilt. Nonstop. I alternate which daughter I feel guilty for. The one I currently lack patience for, who is walking around at nearly three years old in diapers because I can't get myself to stick to a potty training regimen, or the one in-utero who spends a lot of time lately listening to me yell at her big sister. I'm sure she's super excited to come out and play.
When I was pregnant with Amaris, by the time I hit 37 weeks, I was beyond miserable. I was impatient and anxious and ready to have her out of my body and into our arms. I was extremely eager to meet the little person who was causing me to expand and behave in strange ways. This time, I'm eager to meet baby girl, of course, but I realize that I won't be pregnant forever - the end IS in sight - and it'll happen when it happens. Is that fair? Is it fair that I'm just so go-with-the-flow this time? It's not that I'm not excited to meet her, hold her, get started on really getting to know her... I'm just not uncomfortable, I'm not miserable. I wouldn't mind having my body back to normal, but for now, I just don't feel like her birth is imminent. Which seems weird. Because, honestly, a month from now, I'll be shrinking instead of growing, and there will be another mouth to feed in this house. She'll be a real, live person, crying and needing to be buckled in when we go places. Whether I'm ready or not. Whether I want it or not. I don't know why I struggle to accept that.
And I'm not a stupid girl. I am not naive, I knew there was a possibility that I'd be unlike my mom and would not have one of each gender after the first two tries. My mom had a son, waited 6 years, and then had me. I just guess that I never really considered that it would actually pan out this way, and that I'd be faced with the challenge of one day dealing with two moody high school aged girls. I mean, how bizarre is that. I have daughters. Instead of being like some families that end up with a boy and a girl or a girl and a boy, I've got two girls. I just really didn't figure that would be how it worked out for us, for some reason. And I know Mark didn't think so either.
I'm not really complaining. I have always said that I'm happy to have whatever gender child as long as he/she is happy and healthy and has ten fingers and ten toes. And the more I think about having another girl, the more excited I become. Honestly, Amaris is going to LOVE having a little sister. I always wanted a little sister growing up. They're going to have a bond and they're going to grow up close and I love that. We figure when we leave Okinawa and head back to the states three years from now, they'll start sharing a bedroom, which will be a blast for them. I guess for me, it's just kind of weird in the grand scheme of things. I might never have a son. I mean, we want to try again, but not for another three years or so. And in three years there is certainly no guarantee that we'll have a boy. We could just as easily have another girl, obviously. Things don't always work out the way you want them to.
I guess I just feel like this pregnancy is coming to an end and I'm kind of just letting things happen. Which I thought wasn't my character. But nothing else feels right. I don't feel like complaining about every ache or pain. I don't feel like having a nonstop pity party. I don't feel like focusing all of my time and energy on attempting to get myself into labor sooner than necessary. Really, I don't feel like anything. I just kind of feel like I'm floating along and things are happening without me paying attention. And really, I don't know if that feels right either.
January 22, 2009 at 11:51 PM
Hugs! You are fine. Every pregnancy is different, that includes emotions. 19 days to go! I think everyone is just eager to meet her. She is going to be wonderful, just like her mom and sister.
January 22, 2009 at 11:58 PM
I felt similar when I was pregant. Not overly excited and couldn't wrap my head around all the responsibilities- I didn't feel miserable until the last few days. And I felt guilty like I should have felt differently about the whole thing, but the moment she was born that all disappeared and all that was left was LOVE and lots of it. You know you'll feel the same way so don't be too hard on yourself. And I bet God was so impressed with how well you're raising Amaris that he is sending you another little girl. :)
January 23, 2009 at 1:27 AM
I think how you feel is common the second time around. I feel the same way. I am starting to get excited but this time around I have absolutely NO desire to start trying to find ways to jump start labor...just let it happen when it happens. I am in a kind of denial that my life is going to change in a couple weeks and I am going to have more then 1 kid.