In our house, 4:30 is the time of day we all dread. Amaris knows that Noggin won't be on for much longer as soon as the 4PM showing of Blue's Clues is over. She will start looking over at me nervously. As soon as Yo Gabba Gabba is about to begin, I change the channel and she instantly pitches a fit. It's become sort of funny. She knows it's just for a little while, but still has to make it into a huge dramatic scene.

The real problem comes into play when I realize that there is really not much else on. Every day, it winds up being DJ Lance vs. Paula Deen. Two of my LEAST favorite TV personalities. Ultimately, Paula wins, because while she is absolutely one of the most obnoxious people I've ever had to watch for 30 minutes, her show at least involves food. And it reminds me that I should think about dinner. And watching Paula Deen gives me something sane to complain about. Well, partially sane at least. She makes all Southern women seem like uneducated idiots. Her accent is overdone and irritating, and she licks her fingers and cooking utensils while she cooks.

All of these things bother me about Paula Deen. But none of them bother me as much as the disturbing facial expressions Paula makes upon tasting EVERY SINGLE DISH she creates:

To me, this reaction seems to be a cross between scary, cross-eyed, mildly retarded, and orgasmic. It annoys me. More than you could possibly understand. I want to beat her mercilessly.

However, I would still rather watch her for a half an hour than watch DJ Lance and his creepy dancing toys. Even if it means that Amaris will have a brief fit.


Plus, I am bigger than Amaris. So I win.

And really, it could be worse. Food Network could have decided to put Everyday Italian on at 4:30, and then I'd be forced to watch Giada DeLaurentis. And I'd have to hear about her "crispy," "crunchy," and "gooey" Italian favorites. While she pretends to have an Italian accent. And smiles with her gigantic horse teeth. That would be REAL torture.